


Keep the Family Secret

by bobafiend



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Identity Reveal, Secret Identity, Sort Of, au where bats and supes dont know each other's IDs, batfam, dick needs to lay off the froot loops, mod Em wrote and Claire betad, the family secret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-06 00:14:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15874596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobafiend/pseuds/bobafiend
Summary: Batman tries so hard to keep his two lives separate. He almost never slips up. But when he does, things can get a little chaotic.





	Keep the Family Secret

Batman tried so hard, he really did. He was a billionaire in his civilian life, he was a well-known and widely feared vigilante in his nightlife, and he was a father of somewhere around 10 children in both. He was constantly busy, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

He tried so hard to keep his lives separate and his children safe. But he was bound to slip up occasionally, right?

The first time another Leaguer found out about his kids was when Kid Flash wanted to go out with Robin. He had marched straight up to Barry and told him to make sure his nephew was good to his son.

The Flash had missed the message entirely, of course.

“Hold up, Bats. Did you just call Robin your son?” He cocked an eyebrow.

“Yes? Why is that… oh.” Batman disappeared into the shadows.

It hadn’t happened again until the Dark Knight answered a phone call while on monitor duty with the Martian Manhunter in a voice very unlike his own. J’onn could only hear Batman’s side of the call, but Bruce was confident he pieced it together pretty well.

“Slow down, slow down. What’s wrong?”

“He’s sick? Did Alfie get him to lie down?”

“What do you mean Alfie’s sick too!”

“Get your brother to bed, I’ll leave work early. Ask him what color gatorade he wants, please.”

“Love you too, kiddo. I’ll be home soon.”

Batman just looked at J’onn with his hands up in a ‘what can I do’ kind of expression, and the Martian waved him away towards his kids.

It was years before he slipped up again. Batman had gotten more careful about keeping his secrets, mostly because he didn’t want them getting out to Superman. He wasn’t sure what it was about the big blue boyscout, but Batman didn’t trust Superman one bit and he had a feeling that the sentiment was mutual.

The reason for the mistake wasn’t even his carelessness, this time. It was his lovely children being impatient and rude at a meeting. A very important meeting. The tale went something like this...

So far, the League meeting was just as exciting as you would expect it to be. The only thing separating it from its typical flow was the presence of an additional 30-ish young heroes. Today was the annual combined progress meeting between the Young Justice Team and the Justice League (plus a handful of solo world-savers.) It was gruellingly boring, even for Batman.

As of three hours into the meeting, highlights included the following:

-Batman and Supergirl engaged in a half hour argument over the excessiveness of the batarang budget

-Flash and Impulse had a balance-the-spoon-on-your-nose competition behind Wonder Woman’s back.

-Red Robin got caught for having his cell phone under the table

-Spoiler got caught for texting Red Robin

Nothing else noteworthy occured. Budgets were discussed, reports were given, disagreements were had. Nothing new.

Most of the room zoned out, but was awoken by-

“You’re adopted!?!” Batman was staring at Superman with an expression of wonder. Not a negative look, per se, but one of shock. A ‘how did I not know this?’ kind of look.

“What, do you have something against adoption?” Superman fired back.

Batman sat there, unsure how to respond. Slowly, his shoulders began to shake.

“Anyways,” He tried to continue the meeting, but you could hear the smile in his voice if you knew what to listen for.

“For the mission we were discussing, I could take the Batmobile-”

“God, I hate that name.” The room froze. They looked around for the speaker to find that it was Red Hood.

“I didn’t name it, Red Hood.” Batman replied with an easy tone that said this wasn’t the first time they’d had this conversation. “I wouldn’t have chosen it either.” He was smirking now.

“For the thousandth time, I was NINE!” Nightwing exclaimed, leaning forward to become visible to Batman, before defeatedly burying his face in his hands.

“So it was you!” Red Robin stood up and shouted from the other side of the Watchtower meeting room. “Did you name the Batplane too? The Batboat?” Red Robin was cracking himself up. Nightwing groaned and glared at him from behind his arms.

“Oh my God he totally did! What else is your fault?” Spoiler barked out a laugh before hiding her mouth with a gloved hand. She gasped, “I bet you’re the one who ate all the Froot Loops too!”

“He’s always the one who eats all the Froot Loops, Spoils.” Batgirl piped up from next to Bluebird. 

“You should know this.” Chimed in Black Bat, a tiny smile playing across her lips.

“What, because I’m there soooo many mornings?” Spoiler asked sarcastically. Met with agreeing looks, she offendedly exclaimed, “I am NEVER there in the morning!”

“Then how did you know we were out of Froot Loops?” Red Hood accused.

“Red Robin and I wanted some as a movie snack!” Spoiler defended.

“Of course, Mr. and Mrs. Television Hogs over here.” Robin spoke for the first time from beside Batman.

“Well, what are they supposed to use? The Batcomputer?” Nightwing raised an eyebrow at the pre-teen.

“What, you name that one too?” Red Hood said, shaking his head incredulously. 

“Why’s everybody hating on the oldest? The demon kid named the batcow!” Nightwing was unhappy at the return of the conversation topic.

“Nightwing! Don’t call your brother a demon kid!” Batman raised his voice for emphasis, putting a protective hand on Robin’s shoulder which was soon shoved away.

“Whatever, B.” He was clearly still hurt for being exposed as the mystery namer of the battransport vehicles.

“There’s a batcow?” Asked Signal. “How have I not seen the batcow?”

“It’s a big house,” Shrugged Nightwing. The others nodded in grudging agreement. “And a big cave.”

“EXCUSE ME!” Boomed the voice of Wonder Woman. “Can we try to show some amount of professionalism?” She glared at the kids accusingly. They sat down guiltily. One of them, (probably Red Hood,) let out a long, low whistle.

“Batman, care to explain what’s going on?” Asked America’s Boy Scout with a forced smile.

“I’m sorry. I’ll have to speak to my kids again about meeting etiquette.” Batman apologized.

“Your kids?” Asked Diana and Superman (and half of the rest of the room) in unison.

“Yes, but by all means, accuse me of having something against adoption.”

And Batman didn’t have to worry about slipping up again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I read every comment <3.  
> Do not repost on any site.


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